lately, due to having come down with a virus, I’ve kept myself at a distance. This has manifested itself in a few forms. The first would be what measures I impose, myself. The second is what actions are taken against me. The first is easy enough to define, I try to be careful, not get others sick. I peacefully and happily shy away from some scenarios that put things at risk. By far the more pressing matter is that which others impart to me. There are those that treat me the same, and others that see me as a fucking leper. And this has corrupted me. While in the beginning I used to turn away from romantic options with a bemused smile, now it’s with a self loathing and a stench of forced cowardice. As though the tail between my legs isn’t mine, and it’s out there for all to see. Now the idea has been corrupted; who am I protecting? Who am I saving? Am I stopping any kind of harm, or just being self-inflicting. Do I stand alone with a purpose anymore, or is it the latent presentation of some messiah complex? It seems to me to be a mix of all, if I were inclined to be honest. A noble cause, turned cynically self-sacrificing. A good idea made gauntly ignoble by a growing sense of grandeur. All of this I can tolerate, false pride is no sin in my eyes. The only fear that I truly can’t tolerate is the suspicion of underlying cowardice. Is my honest sense of duty toward my fellow man (ironically, specifically women), now stretching to cover my fear of connection? I’ve accepted the latter point’s existence, I’m wary of that connection to say the least, but that’s another matter for another rambling. Now I’m staring at the proverbial mental foreground, wondering where the line is, if it exists.
March 21, 2012
Specifically anonymous, sorry if that is a bit off, but I do it so that I can get feedback as though my writing were completely removed from myself. As such, I would love to hear your feedback, good or bad. Many Thanks. View all posts by justsomecollegekid
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 21st, 2012 at 9:01 pm and tagged with connection, cowardice, honesty, isolation, rambling, romance, sickness and posted in Rambling.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.